I guess many would consider yesterday as day one, being it was the day he broke up with me. Yesterday was spent literally screaming, like you see in the movies when someone finds out their loved one died. And I guess that feeling equates a little to what happened to me. No, he's not dead. He's fine, living his life, glad to be rid of me. And I'm not sure which hurts more. If he had died, then he wouldn't have done anything to me right? Instead he ending things, broke my heart and made me question everything I've known for the past year.
What do I mean? Well that's simple... he asked me not to question him, or our relationship. I would talk about our future, like living together, or traveling together. He said "Don't worry about that now, we have our whole lives ahead of us." Who knew a whole life lasted a year. And exactly a year. Yeah, he ended things on our one year anniversary.
Before you start to call him any amount of choice words, realize its not his fault. I pushed him away, a crazy amount. I am not crazy, but I felt crazy. I felt out of control and I hate being out of control. I walked approximately 24 blocks in 42 degree weather, flip flops and a tank top. I tried to sleep in a park, to punish myself. When I finally got home, I got in my car and drove to his house, it was 4 in the morning. I walked in, took all of my stuff and left, screaming and crying.
It was at this point he said "goodbye Sara". And I knew it was over. I drove out to the racetrack around 6 am, starving, shaking and about to fall asleep. I got back home, climbed into bed and fell asleep for no other reason than it was all my body could do.
My phone rang 4 hours later. It was him. He said he was coming over. I thought that maybe all that love he told me to believe in, our future which we had planned out, would make he want to work with me to make things better. Instead he ended things. For good, forever. I begged him to stay. Like I was begging someone to give me a family member back from a hostage situation. But he left.
As I cried and screamed and shook, it was all I could do. I asked questions like a little kid who was scared about a monster in their closet. And then, I slept again.
This morning I woke up, hazy, in a cloud. Emotionally exhausted, barely able to drive. My thoughts miles and miles away. Feeling almost numb. When the dentist tells you all you'll feel is a little pressure, that what I'm feeling. Uncomfortable and under pressure.
I am working, slowly, unable to focus, wanting the day to end but not actually end because that is when I have to leave. Where do I go? I don't want to go home, and be in the bed he used to sleep in, I want to be at my dad's, because he's gone, sleeping in his bed, in the house when I grew up, and got past all the pain I had before this. But I want to see my cats, and hug them.
So after I leave work, where no one can ask me if I'm okay or not, because no one knows. I will go to the gym. I will use my muscles as well as I can. I will probably stop to cry. I will wish I could be held by people who's job it is not to hold me. Then I'll find somewhere I'm comfortable sleeping, and try to sleep. Again. And when I wake up, I will do this day over again. Come into work (not late this time), turn on my iphone to listen to something that will drown out everything around me and again, work on getting back to me.
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